I know I just started this up again, but I really like Wordpresses layout and interface and wanted to use it instead. Here is my new blog, follow me if you like :)
Elusive Tranquility
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I have a love-hate relationship with FB. I love it because it allows me connections I would otherwise never have been able to find on my own. I hate it because it allows me connections I would otherwise never have been able to find on my own. :/
I deleted a ton of people yesterday. IV mommies, friends I used to work with locally, new mommies I've met recently in person, people I was friends with because I was also friends with their wife or what have you. I can't do it anymore. My emotional state is such that not only BAD or negative information is hurting me, but the happy stuff is too.
So many moms are having babies when I haven't even ovulated since my back-to-back miscarriages in March. While I am THRILLED for them, I can only handle it in small doses. Two of my very closest online friends have young babies,and I LOVE to look at pictures and fawn over their kids, I just can't do it for everyone. It hurts me to see people buying houses, going on vacation, not dealing with custody issues, and yes, that doesn't mean they did anything wrong to deserve me deleting them, but it's something I just had to do for my sanity (which is still questionable)
And then there is the negativity. The bashing of my close friends, the nasty snarky comments, the posts about deaths in the family, cancer, Casey Anthony, kids with black eyes. It HURTS my heart right now and although in my normal state of mind I'd have more than enough empathy and compassion to deal with it, I am not in my normal state of mind.
My stress levels and anxiety are so high that anything will send the tears pouring down my face, and I can't deal with it right now. So for those of you that got deleted, please understand that it may not have been anything you ever said or did, these are my issues and my way of dealing with them and for now it's helping a lot.
I deleted a ton of people yesterday. IV mommies, friends I used to work with locally, new mommies I've met recently in person, people I was friends with because I was also friends with their wife or what have you. I can't do it anymore. My emotional state is such that not only BAD or negative information is hurting me, but the happy stuff is too.
So many moms are having babies when I haven't even ovulated since my back-to-back miscarriages in March. While I am THRILLED for them, I can only handle it in small doses. Two of my very closest online friends have young babies,and I LOVE to look at pictures and fawn over their kids, I just can't do it for everyone. It hurts me to see people buying houses, going on vacation, not dealing with custody issues, and yes, that doesn't mean they did anything wrong to deserve me deleting them, but it's something I just had to do for my sanity (which is still questionable)
And then there is the negativity. The bashing of my close friends, the nasty snarky comments, the posts about deaths in the family, cancer, Casey Anthony, kids with black eyes. It HURTS my heart right now and although in my normal state of mind I'd have more than enough empathy and compassion to deal with it, I am not in my normal state of mind.
My stress levels and anxiety are so high that anything will send the tears pouring down my face, and I can't deal with it right now. So for those of you that got deleted, please understand that it may not have been anything you ever said or did, these are my issues and my way of dealing with them and for now it's helping a lot.
Falling Apart
As of today, I've gone on a massive deleting spree on Facebook, lost my mind more times than I can count, and generally cannot handle anything like I used to. I don't want to be social, I don't want to leave the house. I know, it's depression. It's also anxiety. It's all the crap I never wanted and now thanks to FOB (father of my baby) it's what I get to deal with every day until he disappears from herlife.
My life is WONDERFUL. I have an amazing husband, more amazing than I ever imagined, better than I ever pictured Prince Charming. I LOVE where I live, I love our place, I love my dog, I love that I don't have to punch a clock every day.
And yet still, this stupid feeling won't go away. I have tried things like exercise, diet changes, listening to music, staying busy, working through stuff to find a solution, but in this care there isn't really one. I am searching for happiness and am not sure how to find it even though my life is really not bad at all.
I made a therapy appointment for this weekend, I am hoping maybe she can help me make sense of what's going on in my head. My insecurities, lack of self esteem, and otherwise crappy mood that I don't want anymore. Wish me luck :)
My life is WONDERFUL. I have an amazing husband, more amazing than I ever imagined, better than I ever pictured Prince Charming. I LOVE where I live, I love our place, I love my dog, I love that I don't have to punch a clock every day.
And yet still, this stupid feeling won't go away. I have tried things like exercise, diet changes, listening to music, staying busy, working through stuff to find a solution, but in this care there isn't really one. I am searching for happiness and am not sure how to find it even though my life is really not bad at all.
I made a therapy appointment for this weekend, I am hoping maybe she can help me make sense of what's going on in my head. My insecurities, lack of self esteem, and otherwise crappy mood that I don't want anymore. Wish me luck :)
Monday, July 18, 2011
Checking in
I was so quick to write that last post that I technically left a giant gap in my life that is not accounted for in blog postings.
Aaron and I have been married since October 20, 2010 :) It has been blissful to say the least, and every day we grow closer and closer. We never argue, which still blows my mind!
The girls are great. Leila is turning 3 on the 29th, I still can't believe it! We are having a cute Hawaiian hula/luau birthday party for her, and hopefully a few little friends will show up :)
I am now done with school. I am a full-time SAHM and am also still doing my medical transcriptions. I am learning to fill in the spare time with some new hobbies, mainly cleaning the house (GASP!) and learning to sew. I made kitty paws the other day, furry and all! But really though, who makes furry kitty paws as their first project? This gal ;)
I am still struggling to find my "niche" in this world. I have so many things I'd like to try, so many crafts to learn, and I just hope that eventually I find that thing that makes me happy and self confident and fulfilled :)
Aaron and I have been married since October 20, 2010 :) It has been blissful to say the least, and every day we grow closer and closer. We never argue, which still blows my mind!
The girls are great. Leila is turning 3 on the 29th, I still can't believe it! We are having a cute Hawaiian hula/luau birthday party for her, and hopefully a few little friends will show up :)
I am now done with school. I am a full-time SAHM and am also still doing my medical transcriptions. I am learning to fill in the spare time with some new hobbies, mainly cleaning the house (GASP!) and learning to sew. I made kitty paws the other day, furry and all! But really though, who makes furry kitty paws as their first project? This gal ;)
I am still struggling to find my "niche" in this world. I have so many things I'd like to try, so many crafts to learn, and I just hope that eventually I find that thing that makes me happy and self confident and fulfilled :)
Therapy :D
I've seen so many other mommies and friends starting to write in their blogs as a form of therapy. Some have had it recommended by their therapist, others just do it because it feels good. I need to start doing the same!
It's been a long time since I've posted. I started a new blog a while back to follow my pregnancy but I ended up with back-to-back miscarriages and stopped blogging altogether for a bit. I think it's most certainly time to start up again though :D
My main reason for blogging now is to unload. Call it stress relief. My stress is significantly less than it was months ago, but I still find that the smallest things are enough to take my mood and turn it sour, and I'm so tired of being "that" person who seems to pick up on everyone elses negativity and stress.
So I'll listen to some music, exercise, punch a pillow, cry, and then come write in this blog when I need to get the last bit of stress off my chest. Sounds like a lot of fun to read, eh? I'll make it interesting, I promise!
It's been a long time since I've posted. I started a new blog a while back to follow my pregnancy but I ended up with back-to-back miscarriages and stopped blogging altogether for a bit. I think it's most certainly time to start up again though :D
My main reason for blogging now is to unload. Call it stress relief. My stress is significantly less than it was months ago, but I still find that the smallest things are enough to take my mood and turn it sour, and I'm so tired of being "that" person who seems to pick up on everyone elses negativity and stress.
So I'll listen to some music, exercise, punch a pillow, cry, and then come write in this blog when I need to get the last bit of stress off my chest. Sounds like a lot of fun to read, eh? I'll make it interesting, I promise!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Lots of Change
It's been a while since I've posted. So much has changed, as it always seems to do. Leila is no longer in daycare. I am a full time stay at home mom and also work part time from home and go to school part time. Life can be so crazy! I had to take a step back from nursing because of the fact that I can't take f/t on campus classes right now, and that's all I have left for nursing. It's working out for the better, I love being a SAHM, and Leila loves it too. I'm always worried that I'm not teaching her enough or exposing her to enough, but I've joined some online mommy groups that have meetups with our kiddos, so I think I do an ok job socializing her.
We have been doing circle time, music time, and "arks and craps" just like she did at school, along with learning a new letter every week and going on scavenger hunts to learn new words outside in nature. Her naps are pretty crappy so far compared to school, but were improving every day.
Other than that, a ton has changed. I'll update in my next blog since some of it is still a surprise! :D
We have been doing circle time, music time, and "arks and craps" just like she did at school, along with learning a new letter every week and going on scavenger hunts to learn new words outside in nature. Her naps are pretty crappy so far compared to school, but were improving every day.
Other than that, a ton has changed. I'll update in my next blog since some of it is still a surprise! :D
Friday, October 8, 2010
This man of mine...
Never ceases to blow my mind. I feel like I give so little of me to him between school, kids, work, working out, cleaning, etc, and yet he always surprises me, spoils me, reminds me of just what I mean to him...
There isn't a shred of doubt in my mind that we will be together until we're old and gray. I've never felt such certainty. He warms my heart and I love him SO much!
To my beautiful woman... Words alone cannot express how I feel for you and about you. I know sometimes we have reservations that, though unwarranted, carried over from our previous relationships. You need to know. I have let go of my fears.
I trust you...
I trust when you say you love me.
I trust when you say you'll never leave.
I trust you'll be next to me in bed.
I trust that you'll always stand by me.
I trust that the love we have will always last.
I trust, that when I put a ring on your finger the first time, you'll say yes.
I trust, that when I put a ring on your finger the second time, you'll say I do.
I trust, that when I look into your beautiful eyes on our 50th anniversary, you'll say you love me more than you ever have.
I will do everything and anything to make all of that reality. I am nothing more in this world than your lover, your friend, your man, and our precious little girls' daddy.
I'm all yours....
Aaron.
There isn't a shred of doubt in my mind that we will be together until we're old and gray. I've never felt such certainty. He warms my heart and I love him SO much!
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